Thoughts & Stories: Holiday Parade Theology

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the roaring chaos of the Holiday season. This year promises your sure-fire ticket to an extra 10lbs pounds in your middle and a miraculous reduction in the weight of your wallet. Ironic, don't you think? As if there were ten thousand spoons when all you a knife. (pondering..)

There are so many things I could comment on regarding the seasonal bliss we find ourselves in, but at the risk of sounding like the grinch (the groovy 60's version, not Jim Carrey) I will limit my comments, criticisms and rants to one topic only: Holiday Parades.

"One of These Things is NOT Like the Other: Kylie Minogue and One Huge... Duck"

Principle A:

________________________. Really, I could leave this paragraph with just that. A blank line. In all honesty, I don't even know what I was looking at, much less what to write about. What I CAN say is this; The level of success in a holiday parade comes down to a HUGE and I mean MASSIVE balloon sized animal...and the sheer hotness of the pop star they stick on top of it. 

There Kylie Minogue was, in all her middle aged Aussie glory...shaking her groove thing to an electronic club beat on top of an enormous duck wearing a retro newsies hat. Now, had Ernie from Sesame Street been up there singing a duet with her or crumping to a remix of "Rubber Ducky You're the One", well that would have been rad. In fact, it would have been epic...not to mention logical.

Why was Kylie situated on the Duck? And who's duck was it? And for the love of all that is good and holy in this world, why were there hundreds of small children dressed as ducks meandering around the lower part of the float as well? My theory: This Duck was Kylie's older music executive husband (think Celine Dion) and the kids running around were all their inner-species offspring. But I digress.


Photo: Associated Press

We may never know for sure what the "message" behind this float was. Had I not been so mesmerized in disbelief, Matt Laurer's hapless monotone descriptions may have caught my attention and explained all. But alas, I was distracted. No matter the purpose, there is a clear theme here:


Photo: Associated Press

Miley Cyrus and giant dog (and also a bubble for her to climb in, in case of sudden biological warfare or acid rain)


Photo: Associated Press

Kanye West and a...uh...diversely colorful urban bounce house?

Jessica simpson pilsbury doughboy

Photo: Associated Press

Jessica Simpson and the Pilsbury Dough Boy. Poor Jessica, that's just not fair. The only woman who could get away with posing next to a dough boy joke free is Kate Moss snacking on carrot sticks.

The equation: Ridiculously good looking Pop Star + Giant "Creature" (or urban bounce house)= ratings success and bubble gum joy.

"Balloons that Weigh Thousands of Pounds and Are Thousands of Years Old are TOTALLY Okay to drag down a Street with Thousands of People Below Them (whew.)"

Principle B:

So, maybe I'm crazy. However it has come to my attention that this float is older than my parents. That's not really old in and of itself...but that's pretty stinkin' old equipment to be lingering only feet above thousands of innocent bystanders.

Images (1)

Photo: Associated Press

I, for one don't want to be anywhere near that balloon. If I'm to die at the hands of McDonald's, I'd rather do it slowly and methodically by enjoying a chicken nugget meal than suffocating underneath Ronald's left elbow. But until we as a society stand up to oversized, elderly balloon hazards...I suppose I just need to accept this as a tradition rooted in the thrill of danger seeking parade enthusiasts.

Principle C:

"This Guy is Awesome"


Photo: Associated Press

After weeks of research it has to come to my attention that this man is Takashi Murikami. Obviously EVERBODY knows who that is, but I did not. Apparently he is a famous designer and shares an affinity for "furry flower birthing a flower"..uh..costumes. And quite frankly, he kept popping up over and over on screen. And thus I can only declare that this is somehow how a very important new Macy's Thanksgiving Day tradition. So, I guess that is awesome?

In conclusion I have the following thoughts:

1. I like watching Parades with Bethany and Alana, if even for a few minutes

2. I am in support of Furry Flower costumes, but only on people I know. I don't like meeting people for the first time in such attire.

3. I don't want to be smothered by a giant Ronald McDonald.

4. My next birthday party will feature an urban bounce house, as well as Kanye West.

5. I can't wait to see what type of tom foolery the Christmas parades will bring in a matter of weeks.

Dear Friends, when you are unsure of proper Parade Theology, just remember...I'm just a Facebook post away.