Thoughts & Stories: Coffee Shop Etiquette 101-Chapter 3

I return to you with my random rants and rambles regarding our third and final installment of Coffee Shop Etiquette 101. Hold on to your hats my friends, it's about to get all ironic, sarcastic and quirky up in the bloggy version of a Michael Cera movie.

MichaelYou, the coffee consumer, has now successfully learned the vastly complex issues surrounding the ordering and enjoying of your coffee drink. It's now time to move onto a slightly more sensitive issue in the espresso world: 

Chapter 3: Manners

"Excuse me Miss, but can I break that cell phone with your face?"

(we open our saga)

I'm sitting uncomfortably in a vintage chair... desperately  trying to finish the last pages from Oprah's latest book club selection... when from across the way, young "Heather" decides to check in with her BFF via cell phone....

"HI! Ya I'm's totally not here yet. Ya, ya he usually sits right in that corner. Whatever I'm not a stalker. (insane high pitched laughter) Whatever you suck. WHATEVER. Where are you? What? TMI Lisa!"

After more shrieking laughter from other end of Heather's blackberry, my ear drums burst and begin to bleed profusely in public. In that moment I can only say to myself, " must never allow such indecency to take place over coffee. You must end this Heather girl, and quickly."

(ahem. gathering composure)

Here is a good way to think about this situation. Some people must use their cell phone wherever they are. Okay. I can deal with that. However, if you are going to be that person, speak quietly. And if you cannot manage it due to an inability to gage vocal volume...please avoid sounding like a rabid miniature poodle. 


"Eew. Those people are kissing..." 

These thoughts are among my most clear. I will stand on my soap box and forever proclaim this:

I don't care if you are hot, ugly, short, tall, popular, stupid, green, lovely, broke, smart, fat, boy, thin, worried, sad, happy, woman, french, liberal, arrogant, right-winged, nerdy or an entirely different species. All I care about is your etiquette folks. I'll keep to drinkin' my coffee, if you keep your hands off each other while I'm trying to drink my coffee. We clear captain hormones? Good.


Untitled-5"If that triple shot caramel macchiato sits there 2 more minutes, I'm claiming it"

Yes, it's a simple question of "finders keepers". My third and final point may cause a great stir in the coffee world. I consider myself a highly political person and therefore welcome the challenge.

I contend that, in the event that chatty cathy or captain hormone are too busy with their more important endeavors to notice their order is's your legal right as a United States Citizen (as well as any Canadian or person visiting from Finland) to STEAL their order.

Nobody wants to hear

"double tall non-fat mocha with whip!"

"double tall non-fat mocha with whip!"

"double tall non-fat mocha with whip!"

"double tall non-fat mocha with whip!"

playing like a broken record in 5 minute increments for the duration of their coffee shop stay. Nobody.

Consider that a warning, all ye distracted menaces to cafe society. GET UP FOR THE CUP, OR LOOSE IT LIKE A PUP.

Friends, colleagues and avid readers worldwide, I end this 3 part series with great sadness. More than anything, I enjoy telling people what I think, but all good things come to an end. I've taken great joy in the process of adding fullness to your life. I pray you come away better for it, and all the bit classier in your espresso needs. 

Like Levar Burton of Reading Rainbow used to say,

"I'll see ya next time"

(Queue theme song: butterfly in the ba, I can go twice as high....take a's in a la la)