HELP! I'm stuck in a well...

Okay at least I got your attention. Please somebody explain Twitter to me. I do not understand it. It's making me more dumb, I'm fairly convinced. Somehow I'm following VH1 and really don't care what/who Katie Perry is marrying, or how to get that perfect vintage hair-do she sports on the red carpet. Why is this information coming to me...how do I make it go away!

I am drowning in a pool of over-bearing detail obsessive life sucking social networking psychos! 

If learning twitter means selling a greeting card, then I think I'll just eat all my artwork. (blasted internet ridiculousness).