The good news is that the hardest part is over. You've conquered your fear of ordering and now it's time to move onto the most exciting section of the series: enjoying your coffee drink.
It would seem I am not the only cafe degenerate in Portland, OR! The out pouring of affection for this series of coffee thoughts has been slightly amazing! Thus begins our 2nd installment of "Coffee Shop Etiquette 101"
Chapter 2: You and Your Coffee
"Did you want some coffee with that cream?"
How many of you felt deep shame as you read that quote? Well, we do not judge sugar lovin' fools, but rather welcome them. Remember friends, in such a place as this there can be NO shame. But let's face it you are a nerd when it comes to coffee and you need help.
Cool people drink coffee black. Or they chew on raw coffee beans while whittling a handmade spear. Basically the less tasty the coffee, the more awesome you are. A sad, but true fact. Ironically, the more caked up your drink becomes, also the more expensive. In turn, countless cool coffee consumers have more money in their wallet than you, the uncool counter part in this story.
It is always in YOUR best interest to drink the simplest, most chic of beverage choices. Look at it this way...should Tim Gunn from Project Runway walk into coffee cabana, do you want him to find you slurping a 20oz Blended Seasonal Vanilla Pumpkin Frosting Frappe with a triple shot? Do you want his shadow to linger over you in all his suited glory, saying "Can I just be honest with you? I'm worried, it's an issue of taste at this point."
Keep it classy with your order and enjoy all the snobbery the local downtown coffee house has to offer. Continue in your milkshake with coffee added ways and be destined to die an old man listening to Norah Jones at the Starbucks located inside of Target.
To be fair, if you find etiquette annoying and prefer to just do what you want (like I do) you can disregard this chapter entirely. These rules are a guideline ladies and gentleman, not the law. When referring to music, Louis Armstrong said, "If you like it...you just go on and listen to it".
In the end, you decide what cool is. (insert: special music as Michelle Tanner finally learns about self esteem).